Have we been naughty or nice?
Read the charges against each V2 staffer and choose if we deserve a candy cane or a lump of coal in our stocking this year.
Kathy “The Boss” Velasco
Charge: Being too nice
Cat: Hi, sure looks toasty in there. Can I come in?
Cat: Can I bring a friend?
Cat: How about 3 friends? Plus a high-school intern?
And so it goes. But she’s getting tougher, really, she is. Now hire V2—or the bear gets it!
Chris “The Stalker” Kelley
Charge: Following you…not just on Twitter
He’s none other than our own cyber geek, Chris. And if you get the sense he’s been tracking your every move, no worries—he’s just interested in your Internet usage. Chris is concerned that you may not be optimizing your Web presence to its full advantage. You see, he lives and breathes the ever-changing online trends and believes you should, too.
It’s for your own good.
So if you happen to run into Chris in a dark alley—actually, a dark brewpub is more likely—would you please appease him by agreeing to blog on a regular basis? Meanwhile, we’ll do our best to rein him in. The dude knows his stuff, though—so we’ll let the stalking charges slide. This time.
Leslie “The Informant” Roxworthy
Charge: Crimes against phonics
Superlative adjectives. Overuse of the long dash. Starting sentences with “and,” which makes some folks uncomfortable.
These are the hallmarks of Leslie’s copywriting. But she’s a product of the 80s and this is 2012—writing has rules today, woman! Forty characters per Tweet…no more than 500 words in a blog…and don’t get us started on the optimal length of an e-book.
Unfortunately, trying to convince Leslie that less is more has had the opposite effect. Now it’s blog, blog, blog 24/7, with Little Miss Blabbermouth spilling the beans (and a gallon of coffee) on her colleagues’ most personal information. For example, did you know that Deb (CENSORED GRAPHIC).
Oh, sorry. Long story short, the slander charges have been dropped, and Leslie is now enrolled in a self-help course: “White Space Is My Friend, Not My Enemy.”
Bryan “The Party Boy” Garrett
Charge: Woo Hoo! It’s Tuesday!
There’s one at every party. Here at V2, that “one” is Bryan. Any excuse to let our hair down.
To be frank, Bryan is guilty of spiking the punch. The coffee. And pretty much any beverage in our break room. If you came to our open house, perhaps you imbibed in a glass or two of our smokin’ scientific experiment? Yep, that was all Bryan. And if, after imbibing, you agreed to partner with us in a $50,000 annual contract…well, who’s to say if it was the punch or just good common sense?
Of course, when he’s not the life of the party, Bryan serves us well with his mad skills as a combo web designer/developer. That’s why we let him off easy. Heck, someone’s gotta plan the corporate holiday bash…
Michele “The Accomplice” St. Clair
Charge: My cookies make your butt look big
If you came to our ribbon-cutting event—or have dropped by V2 on any random Monday, for that matter—you’ve probably fallen prey to The Accomplice. There’s no question that Michele is great at what she does: wrangling vendors, manning the books and keeping the rest of the staff on point and on time.
But at home, she’s also a fabulous cook specializing in baked goods. And all this time, we’ve been stuffing our faces with her mini quiches and crème-filled cupcakes…never noticing that she’s been—gasp!—baking files and other escape-artistry tools into her delectable creations! (Duh, that explains the stomach ulcers.)
Why she thinks we need to “break free,” we’re not exactly sure. But with help and compassion, Michele is coming around, and swears her secret ingredients are sugar and flour. Nothing more.
Heather “The Spy” Kelley
Charge: Aggressive Smiling
Don’t let the sweet face and cute outfit fool you. Beneath the trappings of a successful PR agent lie the skills of a secret agent, capable of anything if it means good publicity for her clients.
Espionage, wire tapping, suspension from the ceiling ala Tom Cruise…it’s all in a day’s work for Heather. She prides herself on knowing who’s doing what, when, where and why – huh? – in the Rockford region. This is her town, these are her people, and she’ll be darned if you don’t get an impressive ROI for your marketing buck.
Deb “The Vandal” Strout
Charge: Colorful Personality
To Deb, green is the new black. The new blue. The new orange, too.
In fact, to heck with all those other silly colors…Deb’s in her glory when designing with green. Lime green, to be exact. It’s her signature shade, and she uses it well—but lately, it’s gotten her into some pretty hot water.
It all started when clients began complaining of unauthorized changes to their corporate color schemes. (Lime green with a smidge of chartreuse; surprise!) It progressed to the point where Deb couldn’t design an ad, a web page, or even a black-and-white business card without incorporating her favorite fruit-inspired hue.
When she was apprehended spray-painting her neighbor’s Buick a perky key lime, we knew we had a problem. Can you say color therapy?